Fear tells me

In years past i’ve always had a euphoric bliss after turning in my last test, thanking the professor, and leaving without ever looking back.

Something has changed this year and i fear to discover what.

I feel sad, to put it bluntly.

I drive through hazy dark swimming pools, contemplating hitting the nearest dark mess that comes my way.

I mumble as my parents ask how it was, for talking just seems too much of a chore.

All the colorful things that life has to offer look dull and uninteresting.

I haven’t showered in a week.

My outfit is 3 days old.

Every minute feels longer than the next, and yet time passing is the only thing i look forward to.

An unexpected minute of happiness, a face that melts my heart, and even another step towards death.

As i left the building my parents told me to wait somewhere safe,

so i did not.

I couldn’t find a reason anymore to fear being mugged or attacked, because what feeling could crush me more then the mountain already breaking my shoulders.

As i stood beneath the towering tree, its leaves dancing in the glow of the amber lamp light, my heart pounded in its cage.

The freedom i had been promised 6 months ago was nowhere to be seen.

Instead, fear never ceased stomping on the mass of flesh inside my chest, pumping sharp surges of blood and bruises through a withering body.

The yelling in my ear didn’t stop when i left the classroom, nor as i stood unguarded beneath the tree.

Even as I buried myself in blankets fear curled up next to me, ready to whisper lies when i was most ready to believe them.

I sit here now as blood drips down my neck,  heavy limbs typing away as fear tells me what to say.

Things haven’t changed, a month into summer.

Fear tells me they never will.

summersummersummer

 

 

 

This was a special day.

Emma and I spontaneously decided to drive to her grandma’s house an hour away for the weekend. It was so special getting to know her family more (I’m in love with them! They’re so kind and lovely :)), and they were so kind as to let us swim in their pool. We sat in the sun for who knows how long making funny videos, tanning (my skin hadn’t seen sun in months haha), and then chilled and watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I am so thankful for Emma and her whole family, they are like a second family and i feel so blessed to be close to them.

Emma really is a ray of sunshine and i can’t imagine my life without her 🙂 I thank God everyday for her!

Love you nugg haha

 

 

(ps. emma u look stunning, these are some of my favorite photos of u, so happy and pure and beautiful hehe)