In Summer of 2019 I took a trip to NYC with my dad. To look back feels somewhat painful, somewhat hopeful. The night before I left, I had my first kiss. The day that I came back, I had one of the hardest conversations of my life. 18 months later, I’m terribly different. Living the same cycle I have so many times over, and yet, I’m such a different person.

I choose not to share the details of what was happening, but I will explain it like so:

There are some mindsets; some habits, that will never leave a persons headspace, no matter how hard that they try. For me, it has often been like dejavu over an again. It makes me upset at myself, because each time I come out the other end thinking that I know better, yet my insecurities drive me right back again. I think of it as living in a loop, Or even living through the seasons… I come out the cold winter shedding my restricting coat and warming my frost bite seeing color and fresh blooms. It’s good and warm for a while, then things start to die and I return to my dark coat.

Some say that this is just the nature of living, or like ones relationship with God. Things come in seasons, and it always cycles back. It’s both comforting and tragic to think in such a way. Will there ever be relief? Will things ever change? Will I ever grow up and learn not to open that door again?

Perhaps not.

A year+ on has given me this perspective. I’m in a warm season, but I can see things start to die.

I can feel the temptation to open the door.

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