It’ll happen again




“One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people. “

Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale



So yes, we all grew up. In the end no one could press pause, no one could preserve innocence, and everyone just deeps dying. That seems to be the only thing I’m good at these days. Wasting away like a cat with nothing better to do but sleep. My body and mind scream for rest, tugging my eyelids down and shutting off the sounds around me. I can’t seem to hear much anymore. Food tastes all the same, bathing overwhelms me, my heavy brain can’t think. I find myself frequently holding my breath, as if unconsciously I’m trying suffocate myself.

Maybe if i hold my breath long enough, time really will stop. Or perhaps a wish will come true, like when I was a child driving through a tunnel. I would hold my breath until my face turned purple and we came out the other end, all for one selfish wish. A new toy, a trip to Disney Land, all things that seems so extraordinary then. Now my wishes are just as greedy, but far more complicated. Ever day I hold my breath waiting for wishes to come true: to be anywhere but here and anybody but myself.

Fear tells me

In years past i’ve always had a euphoric bliss after turning in my last test, thanking the professor, and leaving without ever looking back.

Something has changed this year and i fear to discover what.

I feel sad, to put it bluntly.

I drive through hazy dark swimming pools, contemplating hitting the nearest dark mess that comes my way.

I mumble as my parents ask how it was, for talking just seems too much of a chore.

All the colorful things that life has to offer look dull and uninteresting.

I haven’t showered in a week.

My outfit is 3 days old.

Every minute feels longer than the next, and yet time passing is the only thing i look forward to.

An unexpected minute of happiness, a face that melts my heart, and even another step towards death.

As i left the building my parents told me to wait somewhere safe,

so i did not.

I couldn’t find a reason anymore to fear being mugged or attacked, because what feeling could crush me more then the mountain already breaking my shoulders.

As i stood beneath the towering tree, its leaves dancing in the glow of the amber lamp light, my heart pounded in its cage.

The freedom i had been promised 6 months ago was nowhere to be seen.

Instead, fear never ceased stomping on the mass of flesh inside my chest, pumping sharp surges of blood and bruises through a withering body.

The yelling in my ear didn’t stop when i left the classroom, nor as i stood unguarded beneath the tree.

Even as I buried myself in blankets fear curled up next to me, ready to whisper lies when i was most ready to believe them.

I sit here now as blood drips down my neck,  heavy limbs typing away as fear tells me what to say.

Things haven’t changed, a month into summer.

Fear tells me they never will.