a wednesday night in july

I wonder, are we all crying together on this warm wednesday night in July? Damp pillows and achy brains weigh our heads so heavy they sinks through cotton and wool. Do we all struggle to stand? Twisted in vertigo and dehydration, a crippling hangover that never goes away. I watch as the sun escapes over the edge of the world and believe it’s left us forever. That it will decide the grass really is greener on the other side, why would it every return in the east at dawn? I struggle to reach for the lamp in the dark. Meters feel like miles and limbs feel like rocks. Are our voices flat and hands numb from screaming at the sky in hopes of someone hearing?

I beg for something to tell me the heavens are heavy too, that tears don’t just fall from eyes and the whole earth is drowning with us.

predictability

I feel like everyone is so desperate to label everything; to identify themselves and everything with something. Their style, aesthetic, music, race, etc.

So why can’t things just be?

Why can’t we just exist as individuals and not feel the need to be part of the masses?

Just be you.

You’re allowed to change. You’re allowed to like acoustic music but also like rap.

Never put yourself in a box. Break the glass, pop your bubble, talk to strange people wildly different then you.

Be mindful of yourself; it’s far too easy to get stuck in a predictability.

i screamed

 

“SHUT UP. JUST EVERYONE SHUT UP.”

These words reverberate through my skull.

“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT UP”

My lips never move, eyelids hover in a blank stare as i silently reply to the words tossed around me like i’m standing in the middle of a dodge ball game.

I never noticed before now how much people TALK AND TALK AND BLAHBLAHBLAH…

All they ever want to do is talk and pound each other with these whirling balls of letters and expressions and it just gets so damn overwhelming.

 

Silence is my safety.

If i must, i will listen, but never speak.

Words are more weighted than i think they understand, and yet they flippantly throw about as many as they can bear.

They throw them and take them and hand them to me until i’m buried completely.

Yet how would they know this?

How would they know that I’m drowning and panicking when all I ever do is grunt in reply.

I’ve found that silence is easily ignored.

It’s easy to miss, easy to keep throwing words at people and fail to see the bruises that paint their body purple and blue.

It’s hard to hear their struggle to breath when all you ever do is speak.

My brain is only what i hear now.

It speaks to me telling me when to speak, what to say, how to feel.

Much of the time it yells at me, it screams until finally i can’t keep the silence going.

I begin to scream.

Tears come first, then my lungs rise and fall faster than even they are talking.

My hands shake and begin to tingle.

Am i dying? Is this what death feels like?

Why can’t i see? Why can’t i speak?

The blood in my body is hot, it hurts so bad.

 

The screaming stops.

I’m in a pool of clear water with only the sound of distant muffled voices.

 

Am I dead?

 

The pool drains slowly and I see the face of someone i love sitting across from me.

I see that their hands hold mine tightly, pressing peace and affection into my skin.

Their voice drifts softly to me

“…breath out… Yes good, keep it up.”

I don’t know how long we sat there, but whenever the screaming came back, I would try to focus on their gentle voice echoing

“It’s okay, everything’s okay, you are safe…”

 

All they wanted was a response, yes I understand.

So that i did,

I screamed.

 

 

 

we drove to san pedro…?

 

One of the strangest and most magical things about my friendship with Eden is that we always somehow end up where we never intended to be. We love to adventure together, and sometimes we just say

“hey, lets get in the car and just drive.”

Sometimes we drive for minutes, and other times (like this time) we drive for almost an hour wherever the road takes us. I’m generally the driver, so i tend to head either North or South (west doesn’t take us very far lol) and just follow the sunshine. We’ve found some of the most magical views, small beautiful parks, pretty buildings, fun museums, etc. Just about anything you can think of, we’ve run into it.

 

On this fine friday, June 30, Eden and I drove South towards Palos Verdes in hopes of catching the sun on a cloudy day. Eden being the cute berry that she is looks stunning of course ๐Ÿ™‚ After stopping along the water, we just drove and drove and drove behind the slowest truck on a one-lane road, and somehow ended up in this little nature preserve in the middle of neighborhoods across from a beach. The clouds were coming fast so we froliced and got pricked by flower stems as quick as we could. These are a couple pics i got ๐Ÿ™‚

So as our adventure came to an end, we started heading back home. As I got on the freeway I was shocked to see in the distance the words “San Pedro” on what looked like a large power plant.

HOW THE HELL DID WE END UP IN SAN PEDRO??

Well we did. And then I drove her back and we had a lovely time.

Despite ending up where we never intend to, its almost like the road always leads us exactly where we were meant to be (cheesy ik, just roll with me here).

LA is a very cool place because there are all of these little hidden treasures that a lot of people simply don’t have the time to find.

But we find them, Eden and I, and take advantage of all their glory.

I hope you can enjoy them with us ๐Ÿ™‚