It may sounds silly, but one of the most difficult things for me this pandemic was losing my ability to rock climb. I love the sport so… Read more “Painful Reminders”
It’s funny how you can have something and not realize it. How life can be falling apart, but you’re too busy collecting the pieces to see what’s throwing them at you.
January was a cold month. It was dark and nights were hardest. For the longest time I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. Those were the days where i found myself crying when it didn’t make sense to cry. Sleeping when the sun was brightest and sad when the world told me to be happy. This was when i decided to dedicate myself to work, to deep dive into my brain and never surface again. My mind was my company, it was my best friend and greatest enemy. It told me that everything was okay as it lead me to a dark and quiet place within my skull. I had only seen this place once before, but time had past and a layer of dust blanketed every surface. I stayed there and never moved much.
Six months later I left that dark place. I saw light and people, color and interest. Hand in hand, my mind and i took it step by step. It had been so long I had forgotten how to carry myself. Back again in the dark, 5 months later, I see now that the world is very dull within this place. I can still smile, still breath, but everything feels dim and distant. My mind tugs constantly, beckoning me into a restless lull. In the nest where everything is heavy and unreachable.
Even when I do manage to walk out of this place I know that it’s still there. Something so dark and ugly exists within my brain and i can’t help but wonder if i have the strength to ever make it leave, or rather the strength to never return.
I wonder, are we all crying together on this warm wednesday night in July? Damp pillows and achy brains weigh our heads so heavy they sinks through cotton and wool. Do we all struggle to stand? Twisted in vertigo and dehydration, a crippling hangover that never goes away. I watch as the sun escapes over the edge of the world and believe it’s left us forever. That it will decide the grass really is greener on the other side, why would it every return in the east at dawn? I struggle to reach for the lamp in the dark. Meters feel like miles and limbs feel like rocks. Are our voices flat and hands numb from screaming at the sky in hopes of someone hearing?
I beg for something to tell me the heavens are heavy too, that tears don’t just fall from eyes and the whole earth is drowning with us.
I feel like everyone is so desperate to label everything; to identify themselves and everything with something. Their style, aesthetic, music, race, etc.
So why can’t things just be?
Why can’t we just exist as individuals and not feel the need to be part of the masses?
Just be you.
You’re allowed to change. You’re allowed to like acoustic music but also like rap.
Never put yourself in a box. Break the glass, pop your bubble, talk to strange people wildly different then you.
Be mindful of yourself; it’s far too easy to get stuck in a predictability.
A letter to Emma,
Our conversation earlier got me thinking: why do i say sorry so much?
I used to think it was out of habit, a space filler in the many awkward pauses we have as awkward friends, but i think it’s more than that.
Perhaps it’s that I honestly don’t feel worthy of being your friend.
Before that fine summer’s day two years ago as we sat on the beach doing sit ups, i didn’t even think a person like you could exist. God in that moment stripped down our walls, showing me a person so very brilliantly amazing and strange.
I knew i could never let you go.
As our friendship has progressed, i have been blessed with the opportunity to see your soul for everything it is: absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. Never before have i met someone so godly and kind, while simultaneously being so humble. Your consideration for others is so incredibly special, your character is unprecedented, your fire for God is continuously so inspirational.
I feel honored to be your friend; to be able to watch you grow and be there along side you tripping and falling. As you know, i’m a pretty independent and reserved person who doesn’t share much with people, but i can honestly say that i couldn’t live without you in my life. You’re so much more than a best friend, you really are a sister and i love you so so so very much.
Thank you for always checking in on me, being kind and considerate, being weird, always having me at your house, your amazing dance skills, your love for God, your passion in life, for being honest, for being so peaceful, for always being positive, for the many deep conversations we’ve had, for the light ones, for knowing literally every movie line by heart, for your scream (its my favorite), for loving old disney channel as much as i do, for your beautiful face that is almost my entire instagram, and lastly, for being you.
So yes, I say sorry A LOT.
I’m sorry for that (lol), but i can’t help it.
I don’t think i’ll ever feel worthy of being your friend.
You’re just too spectacular.
Happy 17th birthday Nugg,
I love you to the moon and beyond. ❤
On February 2, 2017 my mum and i took our dog Teak to the hospital and put him to rest. Teak was born in June of 2012… Read more “Mourning After”
Indeed, this is how i’m spending my new years eve. Sitting on the couch sipping this tea and writing this post. Enjoy 🙂 its been a loooong… Read more “looking onward”
As a Viewer My only advice is to never drive to Santa Monica on a friday at 11pm in the middle of winter. When you have the… Read more “As a Viewer”
I regret everything. A black boiling pit of apology and bitterness sinks deeper into my chest. A pang of distaste, the burn of anxious thoughts on tender… Read more “ANXIOUS”
oh i know how you feel, i know that pain exists. Please abandon me in ecstasy, i don’t want to talk. the disease is eating me from the… Read more “writing to no one, 3:26am”