the benefits of failure

It was a revelation that I had because I’ve – uhh – well I’ve been doing a lot of working out in the past year and a half and what I’ve learned is that if you’re doing an exercise to the point of failure, that means that you’re taking your body to the utmost limit. You’re getting the most out of your workout and I feel like you can apply that to a lot of things life. For instance if you’re like, writing a television show, or a movie let’s say. If you not sort of trying to be like, audaciously original in a way, saying “this could be laughably bad”, you’re never gonna create something amazing, and you’re never gonna go outside your safe zone. You know what I mean? So it’s sorta like you have to embrace the possibility of failure, you almost have to strive towards failure. You have to say “well, I’m probably not gonna be able to pull this off, but i’m gonna set the bar so high just to see how high I can jump.”

– Jack Ferry (Not Too Deep with Grace Helbig, Ep. 120)

i screamed

 

“SHUT UP. JUST EVERYONE SHUT UP.”

These words reverberate through my skull.

“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT UP”

My lips never move, eyelids hover in a blank stare as i silently reply to the words tossed around me like i’m standing in the middle of a dodge ball game.

I never noticed before now how much people TALK AND TALK AND BLAHBLAHBLAH…

All they ever want to do is talk and pound each other with these whirling balls of letters and expressions and it just gets so damn overwhelming.

 

Silence is my safety.

If i must, i will listen, but never speak.

Words are more weighted than i think they understand, and yet they flippantly throw about as many as they can bear.

They throw them and take them and hand them to me until i’m buried completely.

Yet how would they know this?

How would they know that I’m drowning and panicking when all I ever do is grunt in reply.

I’ve found that silence is easily ignored.

It’s easy to miss, easy to keep throwing words at people and fail to see the bruises that paint their body purple and blue.

It’s hard to hear their struggle to breath when all you ever do is speak.

My brain is only what i hear now.

It speaks to me telling me when to speak, what to say, how to feel.

Much of the time it yells at me, it screams until finally i can’t keep the silence going.

I begin to scream.

Tears come first, then my lungs rise and fall faster than even they are talking.

My hands shake and begin to tingle.

Am i dying? Is this what death feels like?

Why can’t i see? Why can’t i speak?

The blood in my body is hot, it hurts so bad.

 

The screaming stops.

I’m in a pool of clear water with only the sound of distant muffled voices.

 

Am I dead?

 

The pool drains slowly and I see the face of someone i love sitting across from me.

I see that their hands hold mine tightly, pressing peace and affection into my skin.

Their voice drifts softly to me

“…breath out… Yes good, keep it up.”

I don’t know how long we sat there, but whenever the screaming came back, I would try to focus on their gentle voice echoing

“It’s okay, everything’s okay, you are safe…”

 

All they wanted was a response, yes I understand.

So that i did,

I screamed.

 

 

 

Walker Canyon, Lake Elsinore, CA

 

 

THIS POST IS SO LONG.

I just couldn’t decide which photos to cut out because i loved them all 😦 BUT!! Who cares cuz this is MY blog and it’s MY decision what to put on it… so here you go. 40+ pics of our trip to Walker Canyon, Lake Elsinore, CA. It took us about 3 hours to drive an otherwise 1 1/2 hour drive because there was so much traffic and we left at a dumb time, but it really was worth it! This year there was a “super bloom” (that’s what the site called it) and it was absolutely beautiful! A small canyon with blankets of yellow and green for miles. Despite the drive, this day stands as one of my favorite memories with my friends. Thank you to Emma and Emily for being troopers and driving out with me. The sacrifices we make for art are kinda stupid sometimes haha. Love you both ❤

The Real Moana

After a weird shoot we tried to do in LampsPlus (we thought it’d look cool in there with all the lights but it looked weird. We got a couple of good shots tho.) we were walking to our car and saw this bush with beautiful flowers on it. I took pictures as she picked one and put it in her hair like a godess..

MAN… She looks like Moana HAHA.

So beautiful it made me happy 🙂