Fear tells me

In years past i’ve always had a euphoric bliss after turning in my last test, thanking the professor, and leaving without ever looking back.

Something has changed this year and i fear to discover what.

I feel sad, to put it bluntly.

I drive through hazy dark swimming pools, contemplating hitting the nearest dark mess that comes my way.

I mumble as my parents ask how it was, for talking just seems too much of a chore.

All the colorful things that life has to offer look dull and uninteresting.

I haven’t showered in a week.

My outfit is 3 days old.

Every minute feels longer than the next, and yet time passing is the only thing i look forward to.

An unexpected minute of happiness, a face that melts my heart, and even another step towards death.

As i left the building my parents told me to wait somewhere safe,

so i did not.

I couldn’t find a reason anymore to fear being mugged or attacked, because what feeling could crush me more then the mountain already breaking my shoulders.

As i stood beneath the towering tree, its leaves dancing in the glow of the amber lamp light, my heart pounded in its cage.

The freedom i had been promised 6 months ago was nowhere to be seen.

Instead, fear never ceased stomping on the mass of flesh inside my chest, pumping sharp surges of blood and bruises through a withering body.

The yelling in my ear didn’t stop when i left the classroom, nor as i stood unguarded beneath the tree.

Even as I buried myself in blankets fear curled up next to me, ready to whisper lies when i was most ready to believe them.

I sit here now as blood drips down my neck,  heavy limbs typing away as fear tells me what to say.

Things haven’t changed, a month into summer.

Fear tells me they never will.