This post was written back in 2018 when I moved into my dorm room in San Francisco. I apparently never posted it, but looking back I like… Read more “─ Dorm Room ─”
*Written five days ago* My goodness, the future is so imminent and also happening it almost hurts how excited I am. Currently I am writing this… Read more “history”
Gosh you know every time I hang out with Renaissance i could just go on and on about how much i love her and how amazing she is. She’s so great and tbh everyone needs an amazing friend like her in their life. This time I got to go visit her in Palm Springs and it was really fun to be there for the first time! Along our adventures I got some pictures of her gorgeous face and adorable outfit and wow she is such a queen of beauty.
Ok anyways enjoyyyy
Follow her at @renaissancemarie on Instagram 🙂
On New Years Day my friends and I released a lip sync music video to Dua Lipa’s song New Rules.
Over the many years of our friendship its become one of our big traditions to make a music video to any song we’re all loving at the moment. This year Dua Lipa caught ALL of our attention being the amazing artist she is. Her entire album is unreal and beautiful, i highly recommend.
The more I think about it, i find it kind of hilarious that we do these videos. I mean every time we do them its like we’re little girls again in front of a crappy webcam blasting Hannah Montana and acting as sassy as we can. Now we’ve stepped it up a notch and got real serious about it haha. Maybe too serious? I did have several panic attacks in the process lol. This weird tradition tho is one of my favorites because it’s my best friend’s and I’s form of fun. I think its pretty special and awesome that our ultimate form of fun together is being creative and working on projects. Throughout the process we all try to input our own creativity through what we’re passionate about. Every time i always find that i push myself past my limits and strive to make the best end product possible. We are all super supportive of each other’s ideas, which is also unique in the field of group productions.
I hope you enjoy the video, as it really is the outpour of all of our souls haha.
Choreography, Staring, and Contributing Editors:
Videography, lighting, and Contributing editor:
Me (Bell) 🙂
We were two souls dipped in misfortune trying to speak in silence.
Crossed arms, sleepy hair, and heavy eyes made her face seem dim. All my feet wanted to do was run.
To get as far away from the spot I stood.
To never speak to another person again and hide away among the limp leaves and swaying ocean.
But for now a mask will have to do.
A mask not to cover up who I am, but who I am not.
Never go into any situation, or embark on any adventure, thinking you know what you’re doing. Scrap every piece of luggage you brought in preparation and approach the beast with a willingness to learn. Along the way you might be able use the tools you’ve gathered, but don’t be so stubborn that you’re unwilling to accept new ones.
met with Renaissance
went homecoming shopping in the fashion district
she got sick
It’s funny how you can have something and not realize it. How life can be falling apart, but you’re too busy collecting the pieces to see what’s throwing them at you.
January was a cold month. It was dark and nights were hardest. For the longest time I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. Those were the days where i found myself crying when it didn’t make sense to cry. Sleeping when the sun was brightest and sad when the world told me to be happy. This was when i decided to dedicate myself to work, to deep dive into my brain and never surface again. My mind was my company, it was my best friend and greatest enemy. It told me that everything was okay as it lead me to a dark and quiet place within my skull. I had only seen this place once before, but time had past and a layer of dust blanketed every surface. I stayed there and never moved much.
Six months later I left that dark place. I saw light and people, color and interest. Hand in hand, my mind and i took it step by step. It had been so long I had forgotten how to carry myself. Back again in the dark, 5 months later, I see now that the world is very dull within this place. I can still smile, still breath, but everything feels dim and distant. My mind tugs constantly, beckoning me into a restless lull. In the nest where everything is heavy and unreachable.
Even when I do manage to walk out of this place I know that it’s still there. Something so dark and ugly exists within my brain and i can’t help but wonder if i have the strength to ever make it leave, or rather the strength to never return.
I wonder, are we all crying together on this warm wednesday night in July? Damp pillows and achy brains weigh our heads so heavy they sinks through cotton and wool. Do we all struggle to stand? Twisted in vertigo and dehydration, a crippling hangover that never goes away. I watch as the sun escapes over the edge of the world and believe it’s left us forever. That it will decide the grass really is greener on the other side, why would it every return in the east at dawn? I struggle to reach for the lamp in the dark. Meters feel like miles and limbs feel like rocks. Are our voices flat and hands numb from screaming at the sky in hopes of someone hearing?
I beg for something to tell me the heavens are heavy too, that tears don’t just fall from eyes and the whole earth is drowning with us.
There are times where the reasons to leave become obnoxiously loud. Reasons to stay remain silent under pressure, cowering in the corner until the world feels safe again. That is, if that time ever exists again. Dragged down a path blocked by the thorns of blush roses that rake across my arms and stained cheeks. Venom spills warm streams that drip with every heavy step. It all seems so colossal in the moment, like the layer of black clouds will never be pulled away and my hope for sunshine is incredibly stupid. I don’t believe the ones that say there is blue still left in the heavens.
How can I believe anyone anymore?
What a terrifying place to be, to not know what’s right or wrong, up or down, love or hate. Slowly pealing away is the last skin of humanity I have left. All that’s left is me; the only one I can believe.
During my time on this path I see that people often think the phrase “lost my mind” equates insanity. For myself it is quite the opposite. Insanity is when I had finally experience my mind what it truly is: ugly. I spend day and night with it alone, we speak often, arguing frequently, and I just simply learn from it. This is when insanity comes. Its gradual and unexpected. Insanity treats you like an old friend, like a best friend, perhaps. Like it had never been gone. It finds you when you most need something to hold onto. Something to believe, because at this point everyone is your enemy, including yourself.
Insanity turns the world upside down and shakes up everything you thought you knew like a snow globe, everything loose and floating. Everything intangible.
Years have passed and insanity comes for visits, waiting for the moments where life is shattering and floating. For when I have lost faith in everything yet again.
So here I am, watching the reasons to stay leave one by one.
When will I finally decide It’s time to leave for good?